According to the International Listening Organization (www.listen.org), we listen at 125-250 words per minute, but think at 1000-3000 words per minute.
Immediately after we listen to someone, we only recall about 50% of what they said. Long-term, we only remember 20% of what we hear.
Wow! Imagine that!
It was Stephen R. Covey who stated that, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
Now let me have my say……. If I may.
Communication is the most important skill in life. You spend years learning how to read and write, and years learning how to speak. But what about listening? What training have you had that enables you to listen so you really, deeply understand another human being? Probably none, right?
Many of us spend a lot of time hearing (possibly), but little time listening. During the course of a conversation, we are reacting, thinking about the next thing we are going to say, pondering whatever is going in our lives, looking for an opportunity to volley back the ball of the conversation or for an opportunity to score a point. The problem is that while we might keep the conversation afloat, the other person doesn’t necessarily feel heard, or worse, we’re set on scoring with an answer that was incomplete, off the mark or even destructive.
Now listening to understand can be hard work, so why bother? Think about a time when you were really heard, what do you think about the person who took that time? Do you respect them? Were they influential? Did you seek to avoid (or repair) conflict with them? True listeners may build deeper relationships, or they may just build better solutions; either way, they usually command greater respect and influence.
The listening process involves five stages: receiving, understanding, evaluating, remembering, and responding. Effective listening goes beyond hearing someone’s words. Effective listening creates an environment where the other person feels that you understand them.
Listening involves remaining quiet. Being quiet gives you the opportunity to hear the words, the tone, and the meaning behind the words. It gives you the chance to observe the speaker’s body language. “When your mouth is open, your ears are closed.”
Let the speaker finish their thoughts. In other words, don’t interrupt the speaker. I have seen many arguments and misunderstandings that stemmed from interruptions. It’s hard to remain silent. It’s even harder to remain silent until someone has completely expressed their idea. However, by allowing someone to finish expressing their thoughts, you may be in a better position to understand what was said so that you can better give a reply.
Effective listening means observing everything about the speaker’s message. People communicate at least as much with their body language as they do with their words. Good listeners learn to “listen” with their eyes as well as with their ears.
If you choose to work on something else (answer an instant message, watch TV, etc.) while someone is speaking to you, they will not “feel” that they were heard.
Just because you heard the words and observed the body language, don’t assume that you understand. If a particular point is unclear to you, ask a question to clarify it before you respond.
Even if you think you understand the message, make sure you do by clarifying it with the speaker. You might say something like:
- “Just to be sure I understand you, let me repeat back to you what I thought you said…”
- “I heard you say… Is that correct?”
- “If I understand correctly, your concern is…”
Never make assumptions. Always ask questions if there is a doubt or if you made an observation.
Good leaders are good listeners. Effective listening helps to resolve conflicts, build trust, inspire people, and strengthen teams. It often requires you to “bite your tongue,” and, from my personal experience, I know that it can be hard work. I also know that the results are worth the effort.